I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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