Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
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