Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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