Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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