I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
