I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
