Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Randomize
