So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
