god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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