wakey wakey hands off snakey
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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