i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
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