look no pants
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
