i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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