First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
