that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
