based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
