True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
