it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Randomize
