Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
