I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
