FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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