I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
