shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
