I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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