This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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