my mouth tastes like poor choices
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
