Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Randomize
