i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
