My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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