I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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