Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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