oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
