I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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