Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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