so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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