The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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