this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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