I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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