I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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