Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
