I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
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