My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
