I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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