i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
