I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
