Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
