My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
