So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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