I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
