Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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